Because I am bored for the nth time. I’m here again, trying to write something decent. As I was passing through the temporary homes I’ve lived in throughout my life, I saw how immature I was back then. Choosing one-shot happiness over my future wellness. I’m not saying that I’m ignorant about things like this. I just didn’t expect that looking back could disgust me. Disappointment hit me without notice. I guess I needed that.

By reading this, I think you’d have a hint to how depression is keeping up a fast pace in eating all of me. Though, in time, I know that all these problems of mine will pass, and I plan to let my life take its course.

I know it will be months before I, again, hear a word about swifting my way into politics. And Mahalo, Lord for that! Anyway, I know I’ve been missing out on a lot of things and you’ve been, too. But there’s nothing that could beat how much enjoyment I’ve been experiencing since I’ve come to know the wonders and awesomeness of Blair Waldorf and all her other minions. I see myself in her for all the fucking bitchy reasons. Queen B as they say. Well, it’s not like what you think. I just love plotting and scheming and digging out all the deepest darkest dirts of the people I hate. Like Blair, I have eyes and ears and I can be a little pushy at times.

Also, I am in love with Charles Bass. He’s all I need in my life. Oh spare me from all the criticisms. See that, I’ve kept my old self for too long.

Hello, blog! I guess I’m finding my way back in.

I just had to let this one out

Putang ina. Heto na yung kinatatakutan ko.

Ayoko pa. Di pa siguro ito yung tamang oras.

Nagulat ako kanina. Isang pangyayari na di ko inaasahan. It was abrupt and I didn’t know what to say. Sorry, di ko alam i-Tagalog yun. Haha.

Ganito kasi yun… Si Tito kasi eh…

“Sam, mag-SK ka ah.”

Shit shit shit. ‘Di pa ko ready manahin yung legacy handed from generation to generation. (Edi political dynasty kasi) Tang ina,it’s my turn na. Bat ganun? Bat ako na agad?

Di pa pwede ngayon. Maarte pa ko. Madami pa kong sikreto. Matapobre pa ko. Hindi pa nga kasi pwede. May kasintahan pa’ko (weh?) Ang daming may kilala sakin na nakita kung gaano ako kamaldita at kasama. Huhu. Ang arte ko diba? Syempre baka mainis ka sa post ko na ‘to. Pero intindihin mo naman. First time ako ibukas sa ganito eh. Ako ba talaga dapat? Alam mo, sana di matuloy eh.

Di naman sa ayaw ko. Pangarap ko rin namang makapag-lingkod. Lagi nga akong inaasar ni Matt na pulitkong-pulitiko ugali ko eh. Kaya ko nmang makipag-usap. Di rin naman siguro kulang abilidad ko. Pero di pa talaga ako handa. Ayoko ng mamanipulahain ako. May utak naman ako.

Ang totoo, ayoko pang buksan yung pribado kong buhay sa mga taong kayang-kaya akong batuhan ng masasamang bagay. Ayoko nman maging hypocrite sa maraming tao. Di namn ako plastik, kailangan ko pa sigurong matutunan yun.

Ewan ko ba. Mahirap na nga yung sa isang maliit na bayan, maraming nakakaalam kung sino ka. Hindi pa rin ako deserving sa respetong ibibigay sakin ng marami. OA nga ako eh, ngayon pa nga lang kita na.

Isang salita pa lang yan tungkol sa pulitika at sa kung anong pwedeng hantungan ko sa ganitong larangan. Wooooo, ayoko na.

Pero kahit ano namang mapagdesisyunan nilang lahat, bahala sila.

Ayoko lang limitahan yung sarili ko. Ayokong mamili.

Putsa, ayokong mastress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they’re yours

The leche flan in my halo-halo. The crispy skin of my fried chicken. The mushroom in my soup. The last bite of my chocolate. The last sip of my buko shake. The last scoop of my ice-cream. The yolk of my sunny-side up. The bones of my chicken inasal. The cheese on my lasagna. The bacon on my carbonara. The sundae on my Coke float.

They are yours. The lasts of my favorites.

You deserve them.

Just to give you another hint about how my life is going, I am lucky enough to not taste the bitterness and feel the fury of summer classes. Hell yeah, I got a 3.0 in both Math and Contemporary World Geography. I just can’t believe it. Was it luck? I believe not. My prayers worked!

For this year, I spent the Holy Week doing church activities with my family. Attended multiple celebration of the Holy Eucharist. It’s always a joy to get involved in the Church. The things I fervently prayed for was someone’s goal. I need not to mention more.

And on April first, I met up with my dearest best friend, Marjuneth and our senior year class adviser, the ever sweetest - Miss Evora. You won’t imagine how fun it is to be with her. I mean, she tells you stories nonstop. Oh, writing this makes me miss her again.

What else? I’ve been going to the gym but ironically, I’m getting fatter and it’s because I’m getting lazier, too.That’s why my trainer advised me to do home exercises instead. But whatever, I’d probably hit the gym again and go run and run and run.

I have to go back reading now. JG is calling me.

the first of summer day-in(s)

Finally got to see the girls who own my befriending heart. Sad that Ja can’t make it because of school. Anyways, I haven’t been blogging for quite a long time. Since it’s summer, I guess I should at least update you with the latest of me

You know these faces.

God was it fun to be reunited with them ladies. =))

Okay, I know this entry is lame but as soon as I get my old hands back. I will tell you right away. As for now, I have been reading my third book for summer spending. I’m sorry for breaking my pledge to read the printed word. It’s just that my wallet couldn’t make its magic work. But as soon as cha-ching decides to enter my life. I will gladly buy sets of my life.

How did books get into this post, anyway? -_-

I’m losing all hope in passing my Math101 course this semester. My prelim grade was 78. Now, after taking the finals… God, I don’t know how to fucking deal with this anymore. I hate how others could just simply look at other’s paper when I prefer to solve problems(even if I know I’m wrong) alone. I’m just not comfortable with cheating on myself. Assignments, I can do cheat, copy answers but on major exams and quizzes, it’s a major NO-NO for me.

Hell, what I’m really afraid of is taking up summer class. Oh please, Lord. Help me.

A few more days then we’d all be out. I can’t believe that my first year in college is nearing its ending. It was fast, indeed. I’ve met a few of the people that I have to deal with for another three years. My college life isn’t that challenging and exciting unlike the other people who pretty much enjoyed. What I really like about college are the chances to escape from my own reality and live for a while in my dreams. It’s never easy to understand, I’d like to keep them private.

However, I would like to share to you my sentiments about how I’ve lived for these past months. I was bored most of the time. I preferred to stay inside my dorm room to sleep, eat, read books and watch my favorite series - these were performed on the latter part, the second semester. My first semester was similar, although, I went out a lot. Those few months were spent mall hopping and of course, adjusting. There’s nothing else interesting about me. We just don’t have to dig into my secrets and the naughty things I have done throughout the two semesters.

Talk about my university? UST is fine. I have actually learned a lot from it. It has given me a drop of maturity and freshness. It is fun to have a big campus where you can jog and eat, even go on a date. All the other things that could come in a college life, well, you can experience them there. It is my delight to become a Thomasian, although it has never been the first choice, nor an option, really. It just so happened that my intellectual capacity failed me. Though, I don’t regret enrolling, UST is fun and overwhelming. Royal and Pontifical, ayt?

Anyway, I’m done talking.

“Say the magic word.”

“Please?”

Well, isn’t life cute? Applying childhood rules and manners to a seventeen year old young lady. But it really does some kind of magic when she uses it. It draws smiles and melts down a cold-heart.

…

I hate how I’m not allowing myself to write when I have the time. I actually have a lot of time, but my senses won’t just allow me to give myself time to think clearly and fine. What the hell is happening? When I was in highschool, there was not a day that I didn’t write scribbles on every scratch paper, every free occasion, every opportunity. There was always that urge in me to write down every moment, every chance, every memory. But now, things have changed. I’m not that Sam who jots down chunks of sceneries to words. No, it’s not that I don’t delight on words now. It’s the other way around. Words do not delight on me now. And it’s painful. I’m drifting apart form the person I knew, the person I was, the person I wish to be. Well, I’m writing spontaneously right now. And my problem is what I like to call a writer’s dilemma. I’m at this stage where writing despise me when all I want is to keep the closure.

Do we always have to hide? Cover up? Pretend? Because honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of hearing all your excuses. I’m tired of knowing that your pride is way more important than making yourself satisfied and happy, making me happy. It’s not proper to just sail away from all the controversies that you’ve been facing. When would you stand up for me again? All the lies that you’ve been formulating would soon be revealed. All the people that you’ve tricked would soon discover what’s geniune. I hope that before all these could happen, you’d finally speak up and stand for me.

Crashing and bleeding was my heart,
Spinning and twirling was my mind,
These words I intend not for art,
But a chance for me to find—

Find the one I wish to get,
Find love that I’d covet,
Find dreams that I’d protect,
Find treasures to collect.

I’m overjoyed. I cannot even express myself through words, it’s really just the feeling of happiness and contentment filling up my soul. How could I ever forget this turn of events in my life? I’m amazed with everything that has been happening. My life today is a ride to heaven. I cannot help the smile that keeps on appearing not only on my face but also continuously reverberating inside my system.

You can obviously see that I’m not even in the right mind to speak whatever is proper and convenient. My mind’s not thinking straight, it goes twirling on popsicles and fondues and chocolates and marshmallows and ahhhhh, everything sweet! ♥

Can someone just give me a hug? (no baby, don’t be jealous, it’s just you hihi)

It was melting.

The ice that had them frozen for almost two years was finally melting. The cold feels were disappearing, they were reaching out. It was odd but true. It was sincere, honest and strong. There was no explanation why, nor how, nor when. It just happened. It was melting, finally.

Was it too short, too long? It doesn’t matter anymore. It was just melting. Before her eyes, they were melting. It was cold, she felt it lingered. It was blistering cold, snowing, flakes of happiness came running down. Stones of pain were hidden, no where in sight. It was strange, quaint, but nonetheless, she was exuberant. It was a wonderful site. It was melting, at last.

It did not scare her. It was melting, she had to do something.

It wasn’t painful- that something.

For it was melting, impossibly.

I can’t believe I’m in front of a computer again after a while. You see, my laptop’s hopeless now… And it’s actually good because I could focus on more important things like shifting my social life on my phone. Yeah, as if that’s even important…

Prelims just ended today and it went crazy. I was chilling the whole time. Reviewed for a few hours and that’s just it. You know me. I have always been like this. When will I ever learn to be mature enough to seriously focus on studying and making my college life worth while?

What I pray for every damn week is for Friday to come! I’m always dying to be home and it feels so good to finally be here after a little long while. Oh, the feels of love and security.

PS. And good food! Thanks for reminding me, Roseanne! :)