Her heart is charmed and cursed. In love with a dream that is never coming true. Her college life is a wreck. She hates how distance is ever present. She longs for closure and love. We could call it "love", I guess.
My heart deserved to be broken, but I’m glad we’re patching up things now.
Hello, babe. I don’t intend for you to read this but I’m really happy right now. I’m happy about this part of my life- where and who I am right now; where and who you are; and where and what we are.
I don’t know how to describe us, honestly. We’re the best of friends, we’re brothers and sisters. We’re lovers and we’re two individual souls journeying towards our ultimate selves.
But I can try describing you…
I really miss writing and since it’s Christmas day (yes, it still is, even though we all could hardly notice it), I am gonna try to write something about my life at the moment.
My friends/followers on various social networking sites might wonder why I’ve been constantly uploading photos of me and my beloved Matthew. Well, I don’t need to explain this, but since it brings me joy and giddy feelings, I think it would be nice to talk about it. The news of me having the strongest emotions for Matthew is not new anymore. I mean, I have loved him since day 1. Yes, I have loved him since day 1. I did not intend to, I did not teach myself to love him. It just happened. Instantaneously.
The first time we talked, I did not know that I was gonna fall for him, and stay with him for five years like we were really made for each other. I did not plan for us to last long, but it happened, and that is what I’ve been thankful for for the past five Christmases.
We actually don’t get along all the time, we break up, fight, make up, ignore each other for six months and fight the urge to be with each other in those moments of happiness and suffering and torture. We needed that. We were growing fast on separate paths. We wanted different things. But in those six months of not talking, becoming strangers, I have grown roots once again that connected to the inner him. There were ties that never broke, of course. Our memories were carved in our trunk, our bark preserved the love.
I am not ignorant of what other people might have to say. I have been despicable in everyone’s eyes. I have made mistakes, and so did he. I am still jealous, and so is he. In those six long painful months, I fell more and more in love with him. He was striving, he was working hard. I was hesitantly happy for him.
And now, after almost two years of that six months where our relationship fell and got shattered into pieces, we are picking them up, and solving the puzzle. I know we’ll get where we deserve to be. He was patient with me, and I need to be patient for him, too.
I have waited for almost two years, what’s a few more?
Merry Christmas everyone! :)
Post Fifth Anniversary
Having this man back in my life is the greatest gift I have ever received. I never thought of talking to him again, spending time with him, going out, watching movies, doing the things we have been doing for years together, coming back to life after a tragic break up.
I don’t want to dwell in the past. What’s important is what we have today as great friends. I am happy with him and I know he is, too. As partners, this time of our relationship has been our best together. I have learned how to become a good friend and a good lover at the same time. The chains that were once around his neck is now loose. I have become the most supportive person I could be, and I have never been happier in my life seeing him happy and at ease, too.
On the other hand, Matthew has become the person he never thought he could be. He is now more caring and loving, not only to me, but to his family, as well. It pains me seeing how far he is now from his other friends, that I make sure he still has someone beside him, supporting him and looking after him. Matthew has become the best and the busiest, too, balancing his academics and his dream.
I don’t think it is legal for me to post this but hell, this is worth the risk. It makes me happy when people ask him if we’re back together and he replies, “Ok lang. Pwede rin”. Then, he grins. Hahahaha
I love you, unconditionally, Matcho! :*
Well, my secret is almost out.
Okay, I know not all of you would care. But I have been at my happiest state for more than a year now. I might be suffering, enduring all kinds of embarrassment and humiliation, but it’s all worth it. I am happy now. I can be happier, but I am still so grateful for just feeling this happiness right now.
I don’t know why it is just now. But it does not matter because I choose to feel the happiness and hell yeah, I’m giggling while typing this because even the tip of my fingers feel the chuckle inside me, the happiness springing.
Hahahahaha I think I’m going crazy.
Why do we pretend to be sad and depressed, when in fact, we are not? Don’t we just long for happiness? Yet when it’s in our hands, we throw it away in search for something that could tear us down. It’s crazy. I don’t ever want to be sad. I don’t want to sing blues, but do you? Do you want to be trapped in that stance, unable to look on the brighter side of things, of life? If you’re happy, then so be it. If you have the opportunity to be happy, stand by it. It might vanish, but at least, you felt happy- alive.
I’m posting this just now because I have to let him read it first, before anyone else (aside from my professor).
“Irrevocably beautiful” is how I want people to remember me. This is my life’s mantra. As a little girl, I’ve always wanted to be ahead of everybody. I may not be given the most adorable face, but I made sure I was something to be remembered. Was I envious? Was I insecure? I know that I am not. The charm people said I’ve always had was one of the things I value in my life. As a teen, my aim is to leave a legacy. To my friends, I’m the funny one. To my family, I’m the thoughtful one. To my high school, I’m the girl who has it all. I was a star, a supernova. I had the crown on my head, the queen in high school. But that’s not just what I’m aiming for, I want to be something more than that—I wish to be irrevocable.
Nothing can change me and the footprints I have left. Whatever memory I may have given to someone, I want it to stay that way and I want that someone to remember me that way. The thing that actually scares me is the thought of being forgotten, buried under millions of worthy memories and together with senseless things. I wish to be remembered through my deeds, my laughter, my voice, my writings, my fashion sense, my wit, and my totality. I am one but I am many, too. One person might describe me as nice and jolly, but the other will see me as mean and vain. I agree to both and I won’t deny that I am more of the latter. However these friends and family of mine would describe me is all me.
I am beautiful. It does sound cliché and arrogant, but I still do believe that I am. The passion and faith that I have on becoming beautiful helped me to achieve the beauty that I radiate today. Beauty, not centering on physical alone, but more of the beauty in life. In my everyday living, I seek for the beauty in everything. The beauty in everything always pushes me to get through the day looking on the brighter side. It is the kind of beauty and goodness that accompanied me to stay strong and optimistic, despite the million reasons that could keep me from smiling. The reason of beauty is what I want to tell the world, the secret I need to share.
Death scares me. The idea of death gives me chills. The thought of me gone, buried, lifeless, pale, useless, breathless, dead is painful and agitating. If I am to die soon, I want the people closest to my heart to remember me in those two words aforementioned. Irrevocably beautiful because I am and will be. My legacy shall remain and be eternal, and the beauty that I have shared shall be passed on.
Irrevocable is I, beautiful is life.
I hate how I always start writing with “I”. It just shows how consumed I am with myself. Perhaps, I am obsessed about myself, and I’m not even afraid to admit it. Crazy how every conversation I start begins with things about me- anything I can connect to, and anything that tells something about me.
They say talking about yourself boosts your confidence, but I guess I have enough of it to live. I like talking about myself, probably because I know myself. I know what I want, what I feel, and what I want you to know about me. To some, it might be some kind of arrogance, or it’s just me trying to show-off. Though, I am rest assured that once I share to you a part of me, it is nothing but the truth.
Conceited, maybe. I really don’t know, but I have grown having the good perception about my own being. I am not saying that I am perfect for I am nowhere near that concept. All I want to stretch here is the belief that I am worthy to share. My stories are worthy of being laughed about, thought of, and handed down.
I am something else.
I am someone you will never understand. The girl who will drive you crazy, destroy your sanity. (Okay, that was a bit exaggerated) But I really think that I am becoming weirder and weirder every day, and I think that is good. I never wanted to be eaten by this fucked up system, anyway.
Although most of the time, I think I have gone madly in love with myself, I cannot deny the fact that I am happy about it. It’s a good kind of self-love, try it.
I almost forgot how amazing it was to hear even just a single praise about how I put into words my thoughts and my life. Yesterday, as I was handling some test papers to my Philosophy professor, he smiled and said, “I enjoyed reading your essays. You write so good.”. I was dumbfounded, I just expressed my gratitude on his compliment. It has been ages since the last time I received a compliment from someone who knows a million things, and I being just a student, no intimidation. It was really weird for me ‘cause men don’t usually enjoy what I write, but he did, and it really made me happy.
It’s 11 and I’m not yet asleep. And I’m sure you don’t want to know why but it’s because of a petty fight I had with him before he went to sleep earlier this evening. He just made me feel so afraid of what might happen in the future. He told me a certain thing about him following his natural ways. I am not to tell you what it is, so let’s just keep it vague. It’s actually not a big deal, I’m just overreacting because the thought haunted me. And it’s because I miss him, terribly. And I just can’t stand it anymore. I want to come see him. I’m in the right mind to know that it’s not gonna happen soon enough but I’m wishing it could. I’m getting no better without having him around. I feel alone and vulnerable.
Nothing beats a night with Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf. Although I am scared of the fact that they’d be leaving me soon because I’ve spent 4/6 of their lives already. It makes me sad to think about it, so as much as possible, I will make it all worthwhile. I know I’m sounding all weird and so last season but who cares I love these two like how B loves Audrey.
And oh, do not spoil me, please. I hate spoilers. Anyways, I guess watching eight episodes today won’t hurt. I missed them. And I kind of needed something to distract me from the depression that has been eating me up lately, or just tonight… I really don’t know but I feel like I need a break from everything. My weekend was fantastic but the latter was, ironically, forgettable. Can you imagine that? I had another time of my life but it was all put into waste with hashes. You won’t get what I’m talking about but ughhhhh, I feel so stressed right now I want to vomit.
I can’t wait for this week to end. Papers and researches are starting to build walls around me, I feel suffocated.
And I can’t believe either that these circumstances are the ones that triggered me to actually write here something close enough to what’s really happening in my life for the past days. I feel weak and weird.
I remember then when they made me choose jokingly between learning how to drive or you. Of course, with no second thought I told them I’d rather stick with having a driver around town than leaving you behind. It was a funny day. Now, I’m driving and you’re with me. It just shows how happy I am with my life right now. You see, waiting is always the key. And don’t forget, darling, I’ll always be waiting. I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus.
To whoever you are, I am at lost of words to say for all these words I just read are words of comfort, pressure and pain. You made me realize that the crazy bitch that I am have become secondary to what I am today. In college, I am Sam- the person who always loves to be alone. The people here look at me as someone parallel to girls and intersecting with boys. (not what you probably might think it is, though) What I’m trying to say is, I’m not the Sofia Masa Hosef A. Sembrano that they know from what you know. Though, I am still that crazy badass chick.
But, I have to admit that I’ve been having a hard time coping, for the attention is not on me anymore. You know that I’ve always loved the attention everyone gives me in highschool. It is what made me. Your words pained me, for I felt the loneliness that I’ve been trying to hide for a year now. However, it is my choice to live my own and choose a separate path, the road less travelled, perhaps.
Your words comforted me. Your words made me cry. It made me miss highschool. The crown I had on my head, the crowd I had. The people who feared me and the people who loved me. It may sound boastful, I guess, but is it bad to say what I really feel? I am Sam- the fucked-up girl who hated the world and only notice the people inside her circle. But, am I that to them?
Along with the encouragement you are placing strongly inside my will is the pressure behind it. I am afraid, darling. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I am naive, careless, undetermined. I am an asshole. And this message, it will haunt me for a lifetime if I don’t give in to your hopes on me. I really don’t know what to say, even more on how I will commit. I am but a hopeless damsel who occupies herself with sleep, books, music and assumed romance.
You made it sound like I am perfect to you. No, glorious, perhaps. With that I am eternally grateful. I feel like I’ve done nothing to you, like I’m just the queen in high school, and you are a friend to me, and that’s it. I cannot think of a reason that might have probably pushed you to create something so touching as the words above, that I found my eyes welling up and suddenly tears started to fall… and my heart left aching.
I want to extend my advance apology if I would not make it to the top where you think I belong. If I do, I want you to know that this, your letter written anonymously (and well-versed, darling!) is THAT PUSH. The one I actually needed but didn’t know yet. Thank you from the bottom of my pressured and aching heart, but also happy. You made me feel loved- this is perhaps the one that I’m really pondering to say.
I know that at the right time, I will finally discover who you are. Maybe then I’d even be nicer to you, if ever I was nice.
Why do you believe in me so much? How did you find the faith in me when I am but the crazy badass bitch in highschool who was talked about to be a non-virgin who wants attention- a famewhore incidentally?
I really hope I could make you proud with whoever I am after college, after law school, after all the years that I’ll be working for victory. I hope that when I reach the top, you’d still be there.
"I want everyone to see that she’s not one of those high school "queens" who were labeled as that JUST BECAUSE. You were a queen in highschool because you were also going to be one in real life. That your reign as someone supreme doesn’t end in highschool." — These words, your words, will live in my memory and in my heart forever. These words, your words, pushed me and I hope it is enough.
I don’t know why I’m writing this but I feel like rewarding myself a break from all the readings piled in front of us for the past weeks. And I guess I owe you some highlights of how my sophomore year is working out. Well, aside from what I just mentioned earlier (the bucket of books), here’s what I loved more.
Let me take you to what was in the upper north side. We’ve planned this even before the academic year started, and by “we”, I mean Jake Garcia and I. Yes, darling, you read that right. JAKE GARCIA. (Forgive me for feeling giddy while typing this.) Anyway, it’s because of my ever bestfriend’s birthday! I took the opportunity of spending some time with her, alongside Yssay and Matthew. And of course, my highlander friends that I’ll forever love- Kirsten and Jolina. It’s a shame I didn’t get to see Baldo and the like. I don’t feel like elaborating more on what happened there but hell, it was worth it and more fun than spending a beautiful Sunday in Tan Yan Kee building inside UST, listening to nonsense coming from my NSTP instructor’s mouth. Ughhhh… Pardon me, Marichelle for ditching you..
I stayed there for nearly four days. Arrived at Baguio at 3:30 on a Saturday afternoon and left Tuesday at 8 am! Okay, I was feeling so free there that I didn’t even want to come back to Manila. Surely, I’d visit often. It’s good to be somewhere cold and far where no one knows you and you can act all crazy, dress up too girly, and be fucking genuinely happy.
I bet you don’t understand why I seem so overjoyed. Honestly, I don’t even know why but my inner-self floated there. I had an alone time, which I haven’t done for quite a while. The Church was easy to reach and I stayed there, and just prayed. It was really worthwhile and one of the reasons why I really loved my long weekend. ;)
Well, since it’s a free day today and we’re celebrating on behalf of our free country, I think going out is a reasonable thing to do. To reward ourselves, Kirsty and I planned to travel to Taft and hang out with our LaSallian friends, Ester and Vewonica. I don’t really know where we’d head to but I bet it’ll be fun and filled with stories. It’s always a joy to talk to these high school friends of mine for many many tactless reasons and revelations. Haha!
Sadly, my runny nose is still here serving its purpose of making my life a burning hell.
Anyway, have a glorious Independence Day everyone!